Tuesday, May 12, 2009

"...Now self-improvement..."

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.”

For the first time in my life I can honestly say I am not afraid of anything. I spent nearly 30 years of my life afraid of this and that. Afraid of public toilets. Afraid that when I fell asleep the Gmork would eat me. Afraid of demons and the devil. After all these years it took me less than three months to realize none of that matters. Fear does nothing to build you up and everything to restrict you. Fear restricts everything in your life. Your character. Your career. Your family. Your love. Your hate. Your body. Your heart. My fear of losing everything was what drove me to madness. To depression. To alcohol. To laziness. My life was not being lived. It was sitting on the darn shelf collecting dust. Half gone for all I know. It wasn't until Mr. Balding Geriatric reared his gray mustache that it clicked in me. "You stupid idiot, it's all gone. It's all been gone for a long friggin time." To quote one of my favorite movies, I was "Polishing brass on the Titanic." (-Tyler Durden) The mess of my existence, if you could even call it that, was slowly eating away at me. Now, awake and with eager eyes, I look at the future and I run towards the unknown and I don't give a care what's there, or in my way. I am running faster than a freight train. The sheer inertia of my being could destroy a black hole. I don't know where I'm going but there is no point being late. I know I love my kids. I know I love my God. I know I am worth more than all the garbage in the past. I know that, in life, bad stuff happens. I was afraid of the worst for so long. Then it happened and I came to a realization, it wasn't that bad. It hurt for a second then it was gone. And now I am running. Screw the hurt. I'm over it. Let's do this! The future is what you make of it and mine's gonna be fricken fabulous. You see that blur on the horizon? It keeps moving ahead of you? And you can almost make out it's shape? It keeps crossing your path? You can almost feel it sometimes? That's your future. Get off your butt and chase it! Getting off your butt is a daily thing. You don't just do it one time and it's finished. You have to motivate yourself. Find your drive! For me it was losing the love I thought I had. The pain of a harpoon in my back. The pain of being the fat ex-husband begging her to come back. The pain of knowing she was doing something new. That's when I got off my butt and I did something new. I get off my butt on a daily basis. For my kids. For my parents. For my friends. For my God. But mostly for me. So that all those reasons I get off my butt for can have what I have. Peace. Grace. Love. And commitment. For me, getting off my butt is my commitment to myself. My promise of a new life and never again growing stagnant. I'm down to 185 and size 34 now. It's been almost three months and I don't even miss the her. I am finding friends every day. I am doing things I never got to do, whether because of fear or allowance. I am enjoying life. Having a blast. Kicking butt. My kids have flourished through a process that should have destroyed them. Sure there's the Monday every week where I have to retrain them in discipline and obedience when they come home from mommy's house. But, thank God, they are only there 2 days a week. My children are my hope for the future. My life is my joy. Every tattered, tainted and stained thing in it. I'm not trying to be arrogant or cocky. I'm not perfect. I'm screwed up. But I'm ever changing. And that is what being fearless is all about. Changing. Constant change. Screw the hurt. I'm going to be 30. My life is too short for it. You need to be happy with who you are before you can ever truly experience love. And I feel that love every day when I look into those little tiny eyes. I see the hope that even if I screw my life up again and again, there were at least three successes in my life. And I know for a fact that they will do better than me. So every day I run so they can see it. So they will never grow lazy or complacent like their old man did. So they will see the reward in taking care of their bodies. So they can realize their potential and grasp for it with every inch of their tiny little arms! So they will set goals for themselves and attain them. So that they will see the truth and know the lies. So they will feel the love their daddy has for them. I want them to grow and know. I am not afraid any more because I know that my children will see their father, not as perfect, but as flawed and tainted. Not broken, but rebuilt. From the ground up. Every day is a new day. And new day's bring bright futures. Be not afraid of the unknown. Be not afraid of death. Embrace it. For even in death there is rebirth. See it for what it is. Fear is the broken spine of your psyche.

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