In Repair

Read the words and really soak them in.

"In Repair"
by Our Lady Peace

Well it's good to know that you'll be okay
I've been waiting for this
And I'll be there to sit
While you pray no one's blaming me
I'm not supposed to wait
When they open up your heart...

I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair

Lock the door, lock the door
And it's good to know that you'll drive away
From this car crash nightmare
And I'll be there to help you again
There's no danger
We're just killing time again
When they order up new parts

I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair

Take this time to figure it out
Know the wire, the fuse, the things that you doubt
The wheels, the air, the metal, the mouth
Something, something, something
I have been good
I understood
Like a machine they'll fix you from the start
I'm in repair
The life that we share
I know that I'll be lost in
But we're always in repair

Take this time to figure it out
The wire, the fuse, the things that you doubt
The wheels, the air, the metal, the mouth
Something, something, something


So, after a very enjoyable weekend, one surprisingly decent movie, and a great visit with an old friend, I am back into the proverbial routine again. The girls are here sleeping in the next room and I lay in my bed on my laptop staring at the line of dead pixels on the left. Yes, Tim, I would love to own a Mac. But I am finding it hard to feel anything but anger in these hours. Honestly, I feel as though the time for loving is dead and gone. Now is the time for me to move on with my life. I have honored my end of the deal. I have been faithful to her and to God and to my kids, and she has made it clear that all she knows about monogamy is that it is a type of wood. And after a brief conversation with her tonight, it is solidified in my mind what needs to be done. I will stay the course with my focus being the safety and care of my three kids and the restoration of my own life. God has blessed me with a core of family and friends who have all begun to come out of the woodwork and reveal their true nature to me. And I must say that I am beginning to finally be able to breathe again. My lungs hurt and my head hurts, but God is showing me His love every day. From hanging out with my friend who I had not seen or spoken to in 12 years, to meeting new friends in my daily goings on. Knowing that God is a just God, I feel a sense of fear for her and what her future will hold, as I found in my own life that God does not forget our unconfessed sins. So it is with a great sense of foreboding that I carry any conversation with her. In the end, only she will be accountable for this mess. But even now, it's no longer a mess! I am cleaning it up and I am finding things I lost long ago in the process! You know how when you lift up the couch cushions you find change, crumbs, boogers, a glove, a sock, a two year old hot dog... Well that's my life right now. Some of the things I am finding are things I need to repent of, the rotten hot dog, the crumbs. Still many are things that I had lost and have now found. Funny how you even forget memories through your own selfishness. The point is that I deceived myself for far too long into believing I deserved what I had. It wasn't until recently that I actually came to the realization that what I had, did not deserve me. Not one bit. For years, I gave of myself all that I had. My energy was wasted in the pursuit of her happiness. But she would remain insatiable. Unhappy. And not because of me. It was because she never understood the fundamental attribute of happiness. That it is not permanent. That it is a fleeting moment trapped by the movement of your spirit and remembered by your subconscious. By the time you feel it, it is already leaving. The trick is to hold onto those God-given moments and cherrish them so that when they come around again you will recognize them and grab on to them so that you can feel them again! Happiness is not a perfect relationship. Happiness is not the perfect man or woman. The three do not exist. Happiness is being content with what you have and enjoying the one you are with. Happiness is being given a circumstance and finding joy in the knowledge that God has allowed you to go through this, whether good or bad, and that in the end you will find your strength. You will find your love. You will find your true heart. I loved my wife. But I will find that love again. Maybe never in her. But surely, as God is the Great Healer, I will find my peace. As the days progress further and further, I find myself pressing on in the joy that my God has a better more complete plan for me. One that involves a future without pain or sorrow. I have always said, "Nothing is too far gone." And mostly, when I said it, I was referring to my relationship with Kris. Now, however, I believe that it was not me saying it at all, but God. Saying it to me. Saying that I was not too far gone. It's ironic. My heart, in tiny peices and God wants to put me back together. I feel so flattered and yet so humbled. I guess, in life, you have to view yourself as a work in progress. You are not perfect. You never will be. But you can still eliminate some of the rancid things along the way. For so long I have fought this deconstruction, but now, I am ready.